Thursday, April 16

songs for tonight...


the song of today, always today


I want you so badly my bones start to ache.
I’m in equal parts wonder and pain.
There’s a part of me.
There’s a part of me that just 
Wants what it wants and that’s all it can do.
Could I let go of having your love? 
Could the longing itself be enough? 
There’s a part of me.
The very heart of me 
That can barely remember my life without you.
And this fear this pain this love this weight 
This joy your slave lays his head down.
I dream and it’s all for you.
Bear the tension of tears held at bay.
It’s the main thing I do with my days.
There’s a part of me.
There’s a part of me 
Painting over the world with these pictures of you.
I can’t even pretend to be strong.
I get up and I shake like a dog.
You’re the part of me.
The very heart of me.
In the language of love there is no word for no.
So bring this fear this pain this love this weight 
This fight your slave lays his head down.
I dream and it’s all for you.

Wednesday, April 15

maybe tomorrow...

tonight, this song says it all...
...i've waited my whole life for tomorrow,
...i'm still waiting




Thursday, April 2

Sands of Time


Lifeless they drift, taking their toll,
Stripping the drops, hurting the soul,
Taking away, leaving me bare,
Where will you go, how will you fare?

A raping of heart, tears all collide,
Wondering how to keep me alive,
Silencing love, how can it be,
Providence's plan, from one we call Thee?

Or is it just fate, cruel and unkind,
Whipping of two, inside of time,
Where is the choice, our love to just be?
Where is my power, to keep you with me?

Coarse tiny grains, cut my soft skin,
Making me hide, my tender within,
Only you know, and ever have held,
The thing that is me, a creature now veiled.

And if you should go, if really you go,
And leave me behind, in deepening woe,
Stay with me please! Stay with me, stay!
Surely, dear God, there must be a way!

Saturday, March 28

Last day on the mountain

It was a beautiful day, the snow was good, the whole family is skiing / boarding the blue runs which makes it very fun for everyone. I took one hard wipe out that scared me pretty good but I was blessed, no injuries other than a very sore butt and  lower back and a bad case of whiplash. I'll live, but I need to be more careful.

Tuesday, March 24

Far from home


In the black of Milky Way,
On lonely rock, I must stay,
If time forgot, nor understood,
Finding one, if I could,
Locked inside tortured law,
A single escape that I saw,
Beyonding star, of heaven's own,
I found all, to me was shown,
In trying grasp, in whispered need,
With shouted want, a heart to bleed,
But quiet is the patient one,
To put away a hidden son,
To wait a future gift in time,
When asking for, is no crime,
Eyes again will close tonight,
Keeping the world out of sight,
Escape to dream in safety found,
Alone again, no soul around.

Friday, March 13

The night

I wonder what tonight will bring,
An echo's kiss, or silence sting?
I wonder if the night will pain,
A tender heart in frozen rain,
Of tears unfallen once or twice,
Another token of heaven's price,

I wonder when the dawn will be,
To warm a shadow inside of me,
I wonder if the hours long,
A passion ripe in what is strong,
Of want and need and my desire,
Will burn or bathe inside the fire,

I wonder why, awake I sleep,
A state to surely make one weep,
I wonder if the night is o'er,
Or if I'm asked to suffer more,
Of dreams alone to hold below,
The cost of which I'll never show.

Sunday, February 22

Church cancelled for snow

Today church was cancelled because we got about 18" of snow yesterday and today so we stayed home. I had bishopric meeting at 7am still at Brent Craig's home and he had cinnamon rolls ready for us and mango juice and the fire going so it was a very nice meeting. I am very pleased to be serving in my new calling as 2nd counselor in the bishopric. These are very good men whom I can learn a lot from and support and serve in love. At home we listened to good music, played games, studied the scriptures, took naps, played in the snow, and baked bread to take to some families to show our love. While I don't like when church is cancelled because I feel like we are missing gathering with the saints to love and support and grow together, and missing partaking of the sacrament, today was a pleasant day at home with the family, but I will be looking forward to our meetings resuming next week. I need to worship with the saints. I need to serve them and reach them in love. It's an essential part of my life that when missing creates a big whole in my soul.

I have been thinking a lot today with very deep tender feelings about my extended family. I called my Grandma Babbitt last night because it was her 99th birthday and we talked for a little while. It was VERY sweet to me because up until a couple years ago I have been very absent in my reaching out to my fathers family and I feel a lot of guilt over that for which I am trying to make amends. I feel that I have much to do in this regard but time and space in life doesn't make it an easy task. I also feel many tender feelings for my sisters kids as they grow up in Boise and we are increasingly unable to make it up there to visit like we did when families were younger, smaller, and less complicated schedule wise with teenagers. It brings tears to my eyes and sadness to my heart to know that I have nieces and nephews that are growing up without knowing me very well. It sadness my heart to see the families on Shanna's side whom we love dearly (the Griffeth's, Hale's, Fullmer's) get together less and less. Shanna and her sister Patrea used to be best friends and talk nearly every day and to see that brought me much joy, life has intruded and that is no longer the case, they are still close in love as always but no longer talk often, and this is true of me and my sisters as well. Something that we all regret and something that no one and everyone is to blame for and for which there would seem to be in theory an easy fix for (just pick up the phone and talk) but in reality it's harder than it seems.

While talking to my Grandma I learned that she has written her life history and that there is only one copy which Uncle Alan has, I will need to call him and get a copy of that priceless record. I want to read it very very much! I also talked with Aunt Wendy for a while who I always laugh with TONS, both as a little kid and today is still the same, she is so awesome, just a soul filled with sunshine! I also learned that a few years ago Aunt Caroline and Aunt Wendy had the same dream where they saw Grandpa Babbitt and my dad, we talked about this and they told me the details. Aunt Wendy also had another dream of my father in the past few days that she also told me the details of and I was deeply touched in hearing these things. It has caused me much deep reflection today and I expect that I will write up more of my detailed feelings about this at some point once I have pondered them more.

Here are some pictures from today...

Kids playing in the snow
I put my study of Isaiah on pause to play Battleship with Ellie
I won :)
Then I beat Kennedi too :)

Saturday, February 21

From Ellie

This was sitting on the chair in my office this morning :-) Ellie has so much light and fire and desire to bless the world, it will be INCREDIBLE to behold the woman she becomes.


Friday, February 20

Snow day at Copper Mountain

We took the kids out of school for 2 days to hit the slopes of Copper Mountain. The girls all ski and the boys all snowboard. We stayed at a condo overnight in Frisco which is only 15 mins from Copper. We get a 5 day pass for everyone so this makes days 1 and 2 of the ski season for us. The snow the first day was good, sunny with warm weather (about 38 degrees) and the second day it snowed all day which made the runs really nice with the fresh stuff and the temperatures were about 30 degrees. Two great days on the mountain and everyone was safe and happy. We borrowed the Mackay's suburban which was really nice for the extra room, we normally have gone up in the minivan which is fine but someone is borrowing ours and we will sell it soon because we got the 4 Runner which we LOVE but it doesn't have the room a burb has and with a crew of 6 + gear the burb was really nice - THANKS RON!

Don't let the enthusiasm captured in this picture fool you :)
Me singing to the radio as we drove to the lift the first day :)
Shanna and Kennedi
Trying to get a selfie with the mtns in the background
The back side view from the top of Copper
Me just goofing off :)
The ladies!
Shanna and I on the lift
Ellie at the end of day 1
The second day the snow came in, which is still super beautiful to watch and it makes the runs really nice with the fresh snow. I would LOVE to stop at times on a run when no one is around and just watch and listen to the falling snow in the breeze in the trees... it is SO magical. 

I want YOU there with me!!!

The boys
The girls
The drive home was pretty spooky for the first hour or so as the storm really got going, but we made it home safe and sound!

Sunday, February 15

Come unto Him - Hymn #114

I wander through the still of night,
When solitude is ev'rywhere--
Alone, beneath the starry light,
And yet I know that God is there.
I kneel upon the grass and pray;
An answer comes without a voice.
It takes my burden all away
And makes my aching heart rejoice.

When I am filled with strong desire
And ask a boon of him, I see
No miracle of living fire,
But what I ask flows into me.
And when the tempest rages high
I feel no arm around me thrust,
But ev'ry storm goes rolling by
When I repose in him my trust.

It matters not what may befall,
What threat'ning hand hangs over me;
He is my rampart through it all,
My refuge from mine enemy.
Come unto him all ye depressed,
Ye erring souls whose eyes are dim,
Ye weary ones who long for rest.
Come unto him! Come unto him!



...these words pierced my heart today.


Wednesday, February 11

disappear

if i could simply disappear,
a wish of one, so sincere,
erase from me, what is me,
alone in darkening ebony,
all forgot, and never knew,
forsaken kiss, lost from you.

Tuesday, January 20

irony in the storm

the one who leaves, is allowed to stay
and
the one who would never leave, is removed


Monday, January 19

Random stuff

The Sunday school class I teach, VERY EXCITED!

Ellie at the spelling bee - she made it through 8 rounds, which is AWESOME!

Sisters!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, December 29

Working

A few more pictures from work, the NA CRM leadership team made a customer site visit.

Thursday, December 25

Merry Christmas

I don't know why, but I always wanted one of these "Frankie Says Relax" t-shirts - the back says "Don't Do It" and if you don't know this reference take a trip back to the 80's and watch this

Got a great scarf from Brayden, it will go perfect with the wool coat I got to go over my suit coats when I am dressed up