TREK

Today is Father's Day. Last night Shanna and I and my oldest son got home from Trek. Last week my youngest son got the priesthood. In a few weeks my youngest daughter will be baptized. And soon my oldest daughter will go to girls camp for the first time. I haven't written here for a while. The last 12 months or so have been, well, challenging, challenging in ways that are difficult to write about with any specificity. It's hard to write words that you pray will never be read - since that is their purpose.

For the last 3 days my wife and I have been out on the plains of Wyoming dressed as pioneers looking after 9 kids who were not our own, pulling a handcart full of supplies 28 miles in the hellish Wyoming winds. This is Trek, on the surface. But there is much more to it than that.

To start at the beginning I must give incredible amount of kudos to my always amazing wife for doing 99% of the preparations for us to participate in Trek. It takes a ton of planning to ensure we are ready to go and she did it for us and perfectly. The event starts off by dropping off most of our gear the night before at the church. Then arriving the next morning at 5 AM for the 6 hour bus ride (with mostly 14-17 yr old kids) to finally get to the middle of nowhere Wyoming.

Leading up to Trek, I was excited. I had good gear, great companionship, the trail would be mostly flat, the meals would be all prepared by a meal team. I had completely forgotten about what the wind in Wyoming can and often is like. Even through I had been to Casper many times visiting family - so I should have remembered and it would have tempered my enthusiasm a bit. But be that as it may, I was quickly, and violently reminded as we reached our destination after a long 6 hour bus ride. The winds at the staging area were relentless. 30-50 miles per hour easily. And constant. In the chaos that was lunch, gathering the handcarts, finding the families supplies and getting with your handcart company, I thought to myself - holy crap, what in the world did I sign up for? Holding a paper cup of lemonade, carefully mind you so as not to spill it, still resulted in half of the lemonade contents being blow straight out of my cup after walking about 80 ft in that wind.

Soon after lunch we were on the trail. 7 miles the first day. The wind was relentless. At about two miles in you get to the first pioneer moment called the Women's Pull. It is a steep hill where the sandy trail gets extra rocky about half way up. The pull is roughly 100-150 yards long, at about a 15-20% grade I would guess and the men and boys all line up on the sides of the trail in silent reverence while the women and girls pull the carts by themselves up this portion of the trail. The purpose is to reflect on when the women in our lives: mothers, sisters, daughters, friends have had to pull their carts alone. This can happen for all sorts of reasons. The men in their lives die too early, they get called off to war, they get called on missions, they fail to live up to their responsibilities and abandon those counting on them, etc. and we were to think about how we ought not let that happen because of our own failures. We also stood there being reminded of the strength of the women around us. Every one of those carts made it to the top of that hill and it was no easy task. The women in our lives have great strength and capacity to lead and accomplish - it is important that we honor and respect that.

My thoughts immediately went to my mother who has been pulling her hard cart alone since 1984 when my father died. And for many of those year - especially the early years - the hand cart was very heavy, beyond my ability to really know. It is breathtaking that she got our handcart to the top of the hill. It humbles me beyond words and I am eternally grateful to her.

The remaining miles where a bit hot, I think it was about 85 degrees, but honestly I don't really remember anything but the wind. It thrashed us the rest of the day and when we got to camp and setup our tents it eased only a little. Our little family of 9 assigned kids were fantastic - I grew to love them in that short period of time. Especially, Stephen, Leare (Lay-Air-A), Elise, Heather, and Camille. Their good spirits and determination to accomplish what they set out to do was marvelous to see and lifted my own spirits tremendously.

Shanna gave a wonderful evening devotional that night after dinner. The wind died down at sunset and we had a couple hours of peace and the entire group - about 350 people I believe - gathered for a square dance. There were more boys than girls so many of the men stood on the sides and watched. This suited me fine because my left knee was in a lot of pain from the hike in.

That night some slept OK and many didn't. The wind picked up again at about 2 AM and whipped us for a couple hours. I was awake during that time and worrying about the girls tent - the boys can deal with a collapsed tent without me fretting about it, but I didn't want my girls put through that. Other than that stretch of the night I slept pretty well - which was better than most - Shanna got only a couple hours that night.

The next day we had breakfast in light winds which was nice and headed out with the handcarts as the winds gathered their strength. It blew solidly all this day too with only a few breaks where it died down to what in Wyoming they call a breeze and in Colorado we still call wind. We walked with the carts 7 miles in the morning back to Sweetwater river crossing where we in reverence crossed the river with our carts and one of our girls (Elise) being carried by Stephen and Josh, our strongest boys. The water was refreshing on the feet and legs and I welcomed it. But one couldn't help but think of those pioneers of the Willie and Martin handcart company who crossed that river in the winter with 18" of snow on the ground, in -20 temperatures, with little more than rags on their feet and 8 ounces of flour in their bellies. It's beyond my comprehension. I loved crossing that river; it was a sweet moment of reflection while cooling our hot feet in the cool water.

Shortly after the river crossing we were at the entrance to Martin's Cove where we ate lunch, in horrible winds. We left the carts at the entrance and walked the loop of the cove. It was longer than I expected at just over two miles. By this time my left knee was in serious revolt at what I was doing. The family put me in the handcart for about 4-5 of the 7 miles back to camp. It was a very rough ride, I tried not to keep my teeth together for fear that I would chip a tooth. There are a few sandy spots which were nice for me as the rider but probably not so much for those pulling/pushing the cart. That ride did hurt the pride somewhat but I think it also gave my knee the rest it needed so that I could do the hike out the next day.

We got back to camp a couple hours before sunset and as we sat in the violent Wyoming wind our sanity seemed to slip a little and we were a bit goofy as discussed the place we called home. One of our tents (the boys) was flattened by the wind breaking one of the poles in the process. Shanna's and my little tent was holding strong and the girls tent had the rain fly ripped of and destroyed but the tent itself was still up although heavily distorted under the beating of the wind. The amount of dirt, and dust, and grime on our bodies, in our hair, in our beards, in our ears, around our eyes was like nothing I have ever experienced, and I have done a lot of camping in my life.

That night we had a devotional with the whole group led by President Hammond. During the devotional the winds began to calm and afterwards I took a few moments to fix (as best as I could) the boys tent which had collapsed in the wind that day breaking a pole. Then we had a testimony meeting as Wards. Our's was wonderful and led by Bishop Chipman. It was a beautiful moment that is hard to describe. That night the sleeping was about the same as the previous night. I think Shanna got a bit more than 2 hours this time.

The next morning we got our sore and stiff bodies up and broke camp. We headed out. We were grateful to be headed back to civilization. I noticed how being disconnected (literally) from the modern world seemed to bring out the best in all of us. There were no "little things" to get bothered with. There was only the walking, the pulling and pushing, the thought of keeping each other hydrated and protected from the sun, and just holding up against the wind. I felt as though I was going to miss this purity of life that I had gotten a glimpse of, and I do. It's a harsh way to live, but the simplicity of it strips away the superficiality of modern life and leaves the few things that matter; people, family, friends caring for one another and putting one foot in front of the other.

As we were leaving camp President Hammond said, after listening to our family sing a trail song they had made up based on the tune of 'Popcorn popping on the apricot tree', that he only knew one trail song and started to sing 'The Battle of New Orleans' by Johnny Horton - which happens to be a favorite song of mine having remembered hearing my father sing it on more than one occasion when I was little. So I immediately joined him and we sang the whole song without missing a beat, all verses, it was a most wonderful moment, one I shall not soon forget. There probably wasn't another guy in that whole train that knew that song and we happen to be walking together when he chose to sing it. That is the good life.

Bishop and I chatted a lot on that last day on the trail which I enjoyed very much. He is a good man and I am blessed to call him a friend. Getting back to the staging area was tiring and we were all grateful to be done. We had lunch and loaded up for home. The bus ride home was again long but as we drove along I-25 through Denver skyscrapers I could again feel the modern world upon us. My heart became concerned about work, and emails (110 were sitting in my inbox I would soon realize) awaiting answers. The trail in Wyoming was a great and terrible experience but I find myself missing much of it and wishing we could go back to a simpler time and asking the question, how can I make my life - here smack dab in the middle of the modern world - simpler?

Interpretation

What is to be said of life and man? We think we have, we struggle to obtain, we fight to maintain... control. It's a grand illusion. We are passengers on a ship, in the stormy sea under a dark ebony blanket of night. We seek to know those sailing with us; we allow them to present themselves and we believe because to not believe in this mask they hand us is to acknowledge the terror that's behind it. The natural man. He thrives in darkness we give him, we hide him, and pet him and he purrs. A trillion pieces puzzle around us, pieces moving, spinning, dancing between the daylight. We watch and pray that the mask is real, but it never is, it never is, never...

And if I show you my dark side 

Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?
Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone?
Would you take the children away
And leave me alone?
And smile in reassurance
As you whisper down the phone?

Would you send me packing?
Or would you take me home?

                               -pink floyd

Woman

Looking into the eyes of a woman is like staring into the starry sky at night. I feel small. I am trapped on a small rock surrounded by the beauties of eternity. Beauties that I can only marvel at and never truly know or understand. She will forever be a stranger to me and that is why I worship her. She moves around me like a celestial being and I am damned by my own. She takes mercy on me and leads me, giving me a glimpse, the tiniest of peeks into the glory of woman and I am over come. Her softness, warmth, and grace threaten to completely subdue me.

2013, wow, the years just keep coming

On the dawning of 2013 I find myself wrestling with multiple desires and struggling to know how to find a balance that I will find rewarding and not overload me with commitments. As I sit here I am even struggling with how to write down where I am at and where I want to go, let alone, how in the world I actually get there. This past year, in the past few months specifically, our family was given a trial which was one I would have never expected. With it came more fear than I have ever before experienced, as a reaction I dove into the scriptures. We are weathering the trial well, and though it is not over, the end is in site. As with all trials, because we turned to the Lord and pulled each other close, great blessings have been given. The Lord was truly with us - had he not been the fear would have crushed me. During the past 3-4 months I have been spending a solid 1-2 hours a day in the scriptures, drinking deeply, and it has filled my soul with hope and faith. I have learned that I simply cannot trust in the arm of man, even my own, there is simply not enough power and wisdom there. This life terrifies me, largely because of threats to the virtue of my family, the risks and threats abound and without the blessings of Abraham in the new and everlasting covenant I would be an emotional wreck of a human being.

The gospel study which I have been doing has shifted my perspective significantly. I have been learning to detach my heart from the cares of this world and set my heart firmly on the hope of Christ and his gospel. It is not easy to do and it takes constant vigilance; I have much work to do. One week before the challenge mentioned above I was called to serve as elders quorum president for which I have been very grateful. Again there is much to learn and I surely can improve much in my service but I am very grateful for the opportunity to help in the Lord's work here on the earth.

As an example of trying to pull my heart from the world and focus it on God, I have been trying to figure out where to go in my career (while not being preoccupied with it, which would distract me from the eternal things that need my attention most.)

I also have things that I want to pursue personally - writing, guitar, ARES, backpacking and 4-wheeling, mtn biking, snowboarding, basketball, golf, and the like... how indeed to attend to it all and not simply do it all very poorly since it will all get very little of my time. It's a frustrating proposition. A friend of mine decided to drop many of his hobbies because of this very cause. He loved many things but because he was so busy he did them all poorly, doing each of them only a couple few times a year. That's sad, but maybe that's just reality.

I suppose my greatest disconnect right now is coming from the spiritual alignment which I am working towards and the ways of the world which prioritize things that I do not want to be preoccupied with. I remember a line from the book 'Tuesdays with Morrie" when asked about what he has learned Morrie hesitates to say because he knows that it will make Mitch less ambitious in his career, but yet that is what the world idolizes, champions, and demands.

I love to serve others, I love Sundays, I love to help real people with real family challenges; how do I reconcile this with the demands of business? Especially the business of IT in which I have found myself. I think 2013 will be a significant one for me in a very personal way. My trajectory is changing, it has already begun and there is much to do...

Burger Joints - Stack Ranked

I like a good hamburger, fries, and soft drink. I figured I would stack rank the places I have been to just for fun. If you are looking for a good burger joint here is how I would recommend them. This is regardless of price - and some are more $ than others but I left that out of consideration. Maybe that's not fair, but so be it:

1. Ted's Montana Grill - I really like the Bison burgers, which are not cheap, they also have a awesome vanilla Coke and good fries.
2. Freddy's - it was a very close race between this and Smashburger - I actually think they are tied for 2nd. Freddy's also has custards which are awesome, but Smashburger has Smash fries which are also awesome. Freddy's in house made fry sauce is awesome and they have Dr. Pepper too - bonus!
3. Smashburger - the Smash fries are great and the BBQ bacon burger is hard to beat.
4. 5 Guys - best use of bacon for sure, customization's are great, I wish they would use cheddar instead of American cheese and I wish they wouldn't smash the bun so much when they wrap it up. But the fries are great.
5. Crave - just tried this recently, good stuff, crazy unique burgers, good fries (gravy, smothered, sweet potato :)
6. Red Robin - I typically get the Burnin' Love burger (formerly known as the 5 Alarm burger) the steak fries are great and bottomless.
7. In-N-Out - based purely on price (I know thats not in play here) this may be the best burger on the list, but that's only because you get the entire meal out the door in about $6 you're not doing that at Ted's, Smash, or Red Robin - but you are close with Freddy's and 5 Guys. The fresh fries are great and getting the burger 'animal style' is the way to go.
8. Juicy Burger
9. Jack in the Box
10. Sonic
11. Burger King
12. Wendy's
13. McDonalds

Post Election Post - Obama beats Romney

In the morning after the election I woke with one great realization. The majority of the country is filled with people who are not like me. It's a bit depressing, but not really surprising. If the Republicans cannot beat Obama and his record, with a man like Romney then I fear they will be hard pressed to win again.

On the one hand you have a man who believes in big government, doesn't bring the parties together, feels it's OK to jam massive legislation (2K+ pages) through without any support from Republicans or majority support from the American people. A man who hides all his records, who write a biography that is riddled with lies, one who claims to be Christian but wears a ring on his hand that says 'There is no God but Allah.' A man who goes to an America-hating, anti-white, church for decades. A man who has no experience other than community organizer (which is a fancy name for someone who seeks handouts from the government for people in inner-cities). A man who says to the leader of Russia (when he thinks the microphone is off), wait till after the election and I can do things I can't talk about openly. A man who lies and/or misleads about his leadership or lack thereof during the attack on a US embassy in Bengazi. A man who bails out companies with taxpayer money, a man who run's up the national debt and deficits more than all previous presidents combined, a man who presides over an economy where unemployment rates have been over 8% from some time (even when he claimed they wouldn't be), a man who has increased the proliferation of food stamps and unemployment benefits. A man whose wife isn't proud of America until her husband becomes president. A man who distances himself from the only democratic, liberty-oriented ally in the middle-east - Israel. A man who told the Director of NASA that their priority was outreach to Muslims. And I could go on...

In contrast, Republicans offered a candidate who was for smaller government, less spending, less deficits, and pro-business policies to increase jobs. A candidate who was still too aggressive in his foreign policy than I would prefer, but was virtually the same as Obama on that front. But for me on an more personal note: A man who is to the best of my assessment a valiant Christian who holds the priesthood of God and has the Gift of the Holy Ghost. A man who has served his God as a Stake President and Bishop and who gives 30% of his wealth to charity.

In rejecting Romney and accepting someone so drastically different I can't help but my take away is that people like me, with my values, are not compelling to the vast majority of Americans. It's either because the masses are opposed to my value system, or indifferent to any value system other than what sitcoms are new this season. The former is frightening, the latter is disappointing.

Where will this country go? I believe we will go the way of Europe, and it's wonderful for us to be able to look across the pond and see how things are going. Birth rates are down, government dependency is up, innovation is down, debt is crushing, entitlement mentality is rampant, but as Americans apparently we don't care about all that. We want the remote so we can turn on 'American Idol'.

The Captain and the Maelstrom

He awoke to a thunderous crash as the ship lurched from its waters; the inexperienced captain rushed to the helm on deck and saw into the beast of wind and water larger than the sky which threatened to swallow the boat and its crew. Darkness split violently in blinding flashes as lightening stabbed over again and again at the vessel. The captain watched in horror his beloved crew shake from the rigging's, their frail bodies falling upon the wooden deck. They screamed for him and he for them but the sound was silence under the roar of the wind and rain. The ocean opened and spun to suck them down to the deep. Joints on bow and stern cracked and moaned under the force of the fury; "Dear God..." the phrase rang over and over in his mind, trailing off... the most desperate of prayers...

So much going on...

It's hard to track it all at times... and most days I feel like I didn't do nearly enough in any category... new EQ pres, transitioning Ward Clerk to the new guy, completing current assignments at work in my old role, taking the hand off for everything in my new role at work, two side projects (writing my book, and the other thing), being a good husband, being a good father, dealing with household stuff, needless to say the guitar is not getting the love I want to give it... I am looking forward this week being over...

My Review of Joseph Smith: Rough Stone Rolling

Joseph Smith: Rough Stone Rolling by Richard L. Bushman
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

When reading a historical book the over riding question is do you trust the author. Do you trust that they have included and considered all the relevant facts? Do you trust that what ever subjective opinion or interpretation they have made about those facts are reasonable and similar to what you would have drawn? I think this book is probably the definitive treatment on the prophet Joseph Smith. I very much appreciated that the author addressed both the controversial and non-controversial subjects with an objective eye while focusing on the facts and keeping the material drawn from rumor, opinion, and speculation to a minimum (only including it when it was from a source that had some significant place in the events of the time). It is very easy for us as "modern day" Americans, Christians, Mormons to judge those early pioneers and ancient believers by applying our modern sensitivities to the past and we make a major error in doing so. I really appreciated this book because it reinforced the fact that we do NOT worship Joseph Smith, he was a man, an imperfect but remarkable man just as most prophets have been. The question of Mormonism is - is the Book of Mormon true? Is it the word of God? If it is then Joseph was a true prophet. Just as the question of the Bible reflects on Moses and the other prophets and apostles, they were all imperfect men, but if that Book (the Bible) is the word of God then they were His servants.

This book addresses the polygamy question giving the reader the facts to make their own interpretation. It shows the mistakes that Joseph made with the Bank of Kirkland. It shows the reader the growth of Joseph in understanding the revelations that were coming to him like an open flood gate and how his understanding of the entire gospel grew over time. We take many of these things for granted now, but the organization of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was truly remarkable in so many ways. I highly recommend this book to Mormons and non-Mormons alike.

View all my reviews

Anyone watching?

In case the answer to that is yes, here is an update. I have reached 70K words on the first draft of my first novel. It has been in the making for a few years now (of actual writing) and a few years prior to that where the idea was growing in my mind. Yeah, it's been a long process, that disappoints me. I have learned some things along the way, with many more learning's likely to come. I thought I would mention a few, once I am done with the book I will likely revisit this topic and do it a more verbose treatment. At 70K words that puts me about 60% done (I suspect since you never exactly know until you get to the end). Things I have learned are as follows: the biggest battle is consistency - writing every day, getting words on the page, it's rough and it's the first battle you must win if you ever want to really be a writer; it's a battle that is still underway for me but I can finally feel the momentum turning in my direction, I am writing about 400-600 words nearly every weekday, I feel that I need to get that number to 1000 which is where most professional writers are (from the anecdotal evidence I have gathered from reading their blogs and listening to their pod-casts.) There are 3 4 phases to the entire effort as I see it, 1) creating the idea 2) writing 3) re-writing 4) publishing and promotion. For me, #1 is a lot of fun and consists of a lot of thinking and scratching down outlines, world building, and other miscellaneous stuff that comes to mind to feed richness into 'The Idea.' #2 is work, lots of work, and for me only a little fun, but mostly work - it's work i enjoy so don't misunderstand, but its work getting all that #1 stuff into real words that maintain some consistency, many of these words are not the right ones, you know it as soon as you put it on the page, I know that 60-80% of what I have put down in this first draft will be re-written. #3 is a lot of fun, its when you take a sentence that isn't much more than black and white on a page and turn it into a rainbow of color that really satisfies the reader and rewards them for the wager they made when picking up your book. I did however make the mistake of starting on re-writing before i was done with the first draft, i have since realized, and read that this is a big no-no, i allowed myself to get side tracked and lost many months re-writing the first 30K words, do this and you risk never finishing your book, and the edits you make may be the wrong ones because you don't know how your story turns out yet - this is true in my case, one of the significant edits i made i will be undoing because as my characters have experienced more, i get to know them better, and so forth... #4 remains to be seen... I am toying with the idea of using my FB status to only report my word count and use that to self motivate - if the world (at least the portion that i know) sees my word count regularly and knows if it doesn't increment in a meaning manner then i would feel like a slacker, so it might be a good way to push me to be consistent and get words on the page. anyway... that's the scoop...

Obamacare and the growing nanny state

The nanny grows and grows and this particular nanny carries a very large stick called the IRS that when struck with one finds themselves in ruin, in prison, and scarred forever. This ruling by the Supreme Court is disastrous. I have tremendous respect for George Will and Charles Krauthammer as two of our most important critical thinkers and I will leverage their comments on the matter. I think Mr. Will's analysis is sadly off the mark, choosing to see and describe a glass that is in reality 1/10th full as actually 1/2 full - I am not buying it. If the duplicity of Roberts is as Mr. Krauthammer describes it then I am without words and supremely disappointed with Roberts - he gave away the farm to avoid some temporary discomfort for the court - totally unacceptable. I agree with John Yoo on this one - it does us no good now and is completely irrelevant for the future that we console ourselves with the fact that we performed a perfect flanking maneuver right before our battalion was nuked from the air. The bottom line is that thanks to Chief Roberts the previously grossly over-sized and frighteningly overpowered federal government just grew by an order of magnitude and it's gluttony will increase its obesity for generations to come through this massive program which is certainly destined to overspend, under deliver, and take even more precious decisions from the human hands of our citizenry and turn that power over to the nameless faceless bureaucrat that we can never know and who will never know us, but whom we will serve and fear.

Roger Waters, The Wall, Denver

I attended the Roger Waters - The Wall concert in the Pepsi Center in Denver on Monday this week. If you know me - then you know I think that when it comes to music, there is Pink Floyd and then there is everything else... So even though I don't go to a lot of concerts I was happy to drop $225 for excellent seats and saw The Wall. It was totally awesome! Epic! Fantastic! Everything I was hoping for...

The Wall album is just simply brilliant - the themes, and scope, and relevance to the human experience cannot be overstated. If you have never listened to the album The Wall you must. You have to listen to it all the way through, start to finish. It may or may not be your favorite music but I will be surprised if you are not impressed with the piece. 

Waiting for the show to begin...

The projection capabilities onto the wall were amazing,
not just the quality, but the sophistication was impressive.

Roger doing a duet with a 20 year old recording of himself,
he still sounded pretty darn good

The wall begins to be built up...

The wall is almost complete...

The final brick as Waters sings, Goodbye Cruel World

During intermission, tributes to the fallen were shown on the wall

End of the intermission, part II about to begin...

A small room opens from the wall for Waters to sing 'Hey You'

"Bring the Boys Back Home!"

Trust Us! -the marching hammers

The flying pig

Tear down the wall!!!

"You Better Run!"

"Waiting for the Worm"

The judge during "The Trial"

The wall comes down - I was surprised that they pushed
the whole thing over, it was cool

The final song...

Urban Cowboy

Inspired by this photo...

As the cowboy sat in the lateness of day,
with a silent goodbye to a sunset in May;
He no longer roped, and he no longer rode,
waiting in wonder, the last of his mold;
The outlaws were gone, the bandits forgot,
A silver star pinned wherever he fought;
Now all of those days were very long gone,
And everyone new the sorry old song;
A crooked old lawman, brittle and frail,
Away from the plains his face had gone pale;
From a cold metal chair he paused before rising,
thought of his wife and wondered of dying.

Faith unto Righteousness

I spent some good time in Romans the last few days - I get the impression that the Romans were losing the balance between works and faith and how they fit into the Lord's gospel. In Paul's writings to them it seems that they must have been preoccupied by the law and the works of the law because he spends a lot of time reminding them that it is by faith that we are ultimately saved. The law does not save us. That is not to say that works or the law are irrelevant but rather that ALL the power to save rests alone in the power of the Savior Jesus, and that faith in him is counted as righteousness unto us, and therein are we saved. So as not to confuse, the apostles were clear to teach that faith without works is dead, being alone - but we should never be confused where the saving power resides. It is in, and only in, the grace of Jesus.

Looking Around

When I look around, I am honestly shocked at how much suffering I have been spared.

The Constitution Hangs

It has been said that in the last days the Constitution of the United States will "hang by a thread." I believe it does so now. There are two legalities that are before or headed to the United States Supreme Court. First is the universal mandate that is the foundation of the Affordable Healthcare Act, also known as Obamacare. The president and the democrats lay claim that the Commerce Clause of the Constitution gives them the right to mandate that all citizens of the United States must purchase health insurance. The question is: does it? I say no! The Commerce Clause gives the federal government the power to regulate commerce that occurs between states. It does not give them the right to mandate behavior, mandate that a sovereign citizen must engage in commerce, or mandate that a private citizen enter into a contract with a private (or otherwise) company simply because the person is alive. The federal government has no power here, no commerce has taken place, they are trying to mandate that one occur simply because the individual exists. If this is upheld but the court - then it fundamentally changes the relationship between the citizen and the government - effectively removing ANY limitation on federal power. If they can mandate this because you exist, what can they not mandate?

The second is in regards to the administrations ability to manipulate law and extend its power via regulatory agencies. An example is the EPA and the Clean Air Act. Every administration has been pushing these limits and the Obama administration is certainly no exception. The EPA in its pursuit to regulate CO2 (a so-called "green house gas", a.k.a "food for plants"). To by pass congressional oversight the executive branch continually reaches farther with its administrative agencies. Cranking out hundreds of thousands of pages of new regulations every year, nearly 80,000 pages every year. These regulations interpret and even rewrite law without any oversight except internal, un-elected, nameless, faceless bureaucrats. People you don't have access to, you cannot hold accountable, and you cannot remove or replace.

One of many reasons why Big Government is too be feared and resisted. This is why our founding fathers created the government the way they did with separation of powers. They knew that power in Washington would steal away the power of the citizen. This is why we have enumerated powers, meaning any power not specifically authorized and listed in the constitution the federal government CANNOT do, it is reserved by default to the people and the states. But this does not seem to matter anymore to those in DC.

EPA legal reference article

CO2 Reference
"Under current ambient conditions, plant growth and development are typically carbon-limited, which is why plants generally exhibit increased growth and biomass production in response to atmospheric CO2 enrichment."

Ellie @ 6.5

Six and a half years ago Ellie Marie Babbitt was born. As those of you that follow this blog (hi Mom!) know of her saga, I thought I would give an update - my princess is growing strong and has an angelic voice. This Easter she sang for us. 

Of Gods and Men

It's a story I've been told,
A story that's not too old,
Of beasts and men and gods and then,
The war that took them in the end,
It started with a simple plan,
In the heart of a single man,
But when the gods found the plot,
They sent the beasts to end the lot,
And tooth met blade,
Deep in the everglade,
Night and day and night they fought,
Scaring world and sky was wrought,
When at probation's end was come,
It was not clear to the evil one,
Who had won and who had not,
Or what they had initially sought,
And so it is with gods and men,
The beasts are revealed in the end.

1000 Times More

This is the 1000th post - I have at times wondered about the wisdom of keeping my journal online for all the world to see, but I don't think I would have kept it any other way. And regarding locking it down, I am willing to take that risk; I want to be honest with the world - I am not a perfect man, but I have hope that I am a good man who is striving to be much better and while I work that out it doesn't serve any purpose to fool myself or others about my shortcomings. We all fall short of the glory of God and are sinners and we need not beat ourselves or others up because of it. It was and is part of the great plan of God to be so and thankfully he has provided a way out through His Son.

Two of my parents (by virtue of marrying my wife) are serving a church mission right now in Independence MO, and send us a letter each week. This week's scripture is D&C 138: 11-18 and is a perfect example of the blessings of the scriptures. I found that I could not stop reading at verse 18 but continued through the end of the section. I think one of the greatest mercies of having the gospel in our lives is the eternal perspective it gives us which in turn is the source of such great hope – I don’t know how people live without it – the weight of the world would be too much for me, the contention, and the loneliness, and the pressures to care so much about temporal things would seem to crush the soul.

Next year I will be turning 40 - wow - that's hard to swallow, not because it's "so old" it's not; but because it's just odd to think that I have been here for 40 years, and likely could be for 40 more...

I had a bit of an epiphany this weekend, snowboarding in the mountains, reflecting on life, searching for understanding, spending time with loved ones (both friends and family). I heard it said before that as you get older you find that it isn't so much the acts of evil that move you to tears as it is the acts of kindness. I find that both do that to me more than in the past - maybe that means I am indeed growing up.

I wish I could give to everyone the little glimpse of the eternal which I have been given, because it comes with such hope and power and goodness that it truly could heal the world - and that which I have is a only a single grain of sand on the shore of the ocean, oh imagine what the future holds, just imagine...

"The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth."

Into April...

Life has been simultaneously better than ever, and discouraging as ever - which is sad and speaks volumes about me and where I am at as a person. I feel guilty that I have been discouraged at all. At work - I am as successful as ever, at home - I have wonderful kids and an incredible wife, at church - I have a calling that I can do pretty well and I enjoy those I serve with, I have friends and family living nearby, I live in the most amazing country the world has ever seen that affords me liberty, opportunity, and affluence most of the historic world scarcely dreamed of... and yet... there has been great unrest in my soul. I have allowed myself to fear the future, an invisible future that may or may not be; one fraught with challenges that I fear would be greater than I could bear. I fear the judgments of men - the contentious conversations over temporal things that leave me feeling lacking and personally responsible for the attitudes of others whom I cannot control. In the past few days I was blessed to be able to take my family skiing and snowboarding to Copper Mountain for a few days while we stayed in a condo by a frozen lake and the mountain vista that took ones breath away. Flying down the slopes with friends and family under a bold Colorado sky in 50 degree temperatures is nearly a miracle unto itself. Oh the majesty of God's creations and how fortunate am I to experience them; but I was weighted down. At times I felt as though my chest would implode and tears run down my face. I believe the Holy Spirit of God is working on my soul. Searing my feelings to awaken me to something I have known for years but continually minimize in my life. There is no strength without God - the arm of man is nothing against the weight of the world and in time it gets crushed.

I turned to the scriptures. Proverbs 3:5-6 was the first place I went - my mothers favorite scripture.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct they paths. 

I spent more time in the Psalms, gaining strength from David's words. Then into D&C sections 88 to read about the promises of God, and 121 where the prophet pleads with the Father, and finally I read a few talks from the past conference regarding the worth of souls. These words rescued me and poured healing into my soul. I took my oldest son to the priesthood session of this weekends conference and again was pulled up and fortified by the words of life. I instantly began to hunger for the Word of God, something I had been neglecting. The power of an eternal perspective is returning and my trust in the Lord I am remembering, this is casting out my fear and with it my sorrow. It is time for me to rise up and be a man. The Holy Spirit has been speaking to me, telling me the time has come to be the man that I always knew I should be, he has been telling me that he will wait no longer, the time is now, and that this is the reason he has been working his refining pressure on my soul. There are a great many things he needs me to be and do and I must stop putting it off. There are a great many improvements I must make and I go now to get busy with them...

The worst line in any movie

One of my biggest pet peeves that shows up in movies regularly is when they have finally grabbed the evil villain and someone is about to send this piece of garbage to meet his/her maker, "Don't... if you kill him then you are no better than him." Or some variation of this. What a bunch of crap! I love Batman but it blows that he won't kill the bad guy when he gets his bat-claws on him. If you have a guy/girl that is running around destroying peoples lives through monstrous behavior - killing, raping, etc. and someone has the guts enough to blast that scoundrel, it does in NO WAY make them equals. The moral equivalence argument makes me want to throw up.  Want some advice Batman? Next time you get the Joker in your mitts... snuff him out! Not only will you serve some amount of justice to those he has already wronged, but you will save lives in the future. This act will not make you a villain, you will be the hero, and an even better one!

Walls

our sun comes up and they soak it in;
small footsteps run with laughter chase;
warmth of oven cookies risin',
sugary pictures and soaking rafters;
creamy lights cascade on carpet,
blankets given for nap n' snore;
gathering table of meat n' honey treat,
small silence of grace, followed
family, friends, and relationships;
our sun goes down and they soak it in;

so many things...

it's an overlord and motivation; so many things i want to be that they seem to prevent me from becoming any of them; instead i endure...

yeah, that drips with self-pity... not a flattering thing.

so i will drop it and recognize how amazing i have it, which of course is the naked truth - but the future will come and the need to secure it never fades, and so stifles my rejoicing.

everything is breakable, so how much do i need to be concerned with breaking it?

2012

well.... 2012 is well on its way... been thinking of my dad a lot these days... recently looked through a photo album and read some letters that family and friends wrote a few years after he died; it's a tough exercise, it's been a long time - 1984 was a long time ago, feels like a lifetime; i have a picture of him in my home office, standing with me along side a massive tractor-scraper - i look no older than three or maybe four in the photo; it's odd to feel so close to someone that, due to time, has become a virtual stranger...

people say the world will end this year, thanks to the myans not creating a calendar past 2012... i think no one really believes it, i certainly don't; i think this year will mark big changes for me; changes i am driving for and God willing, i will see them realized; Shanna's folks have left on their mission which is just wonderful, i know they will have a blessed experience and we plan to go see them later this year in Independence Missouri.

this year we bought ski passes for the whole family, man is it difficult to see how we get everything in, so much to fit in, i worry that we wont really get our monies worth but its an experiment, we will see how it goes and will have fun none the less - even if we don't get up to the slopes more than 3 or 4 times...

my writing and guitar playing is still coming along but very slowly; when you work full time (and in another city which you travel to Monday - Thursday) and have 4 kids, and a church calling, and a spouse you love spending time with it is hard to get everything in... that's just the way it is...

i put some new lights on the house today, much better than those old brass ones (one of which would only hang upside down anyway). Brayden and Kennedi are going to an EFY thing tonight, they are great kids - i am really blessed by the 4 i got, just amazing.

Shanna made some fresh salsa today and i am very much looking forward to going and eating some as soon as i am done writing this. Last night we went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner with Todd and Kat and the Nalen's, ran into the Francom's there too and then today my lovely bride and I hit Taste of Philly for lunch - that place makes the most amazing Philly cheese steak sandwiches (i have had many others, no one compares) and a cold cream soda and piping hot french fries made for a grand time... it's been a really good day.

church basketball has kind of fallen apart, not enough regulars, so we replaced it with Friday night co-ed volleyball and that is real good times 8)

ok, that's about it, i am going to go get some salsa and probably makes some nachos too...

Spinal Tap

I know it sounds like tons of fun (the spinal tap) but it wasn't! It only takes about 15mins once you get in the procedure room; they first stick a needle in a bit to deaden the area - that was uncomfortable as any of you that have had local anesthetic would think (like at the dentist) then the doc says 'now I am going deeper into the muscle' and that was seriously uncomfortable, not a fan of that at all... but after that I was numb. So another 10 mins for them to rob me of some spinal fluid, nothing too odd here but I did feel tingling throughout my right leg (kinda like when your leg falls asleep) most of these were minor and the doc said it was normal - but there was one that felt like a bolt of lightening and it was highly uncomfortable - not a fan of that. Then back to recovery (it is out patient) where I had to remain lying down for the next two hours (riveting) then they send you home and tell you to stay lying down for the next 24 hours and drink lots of water to hopefully prevent the dreaded spinal headache - which most people get to one degree or another. Well I tried hard, I stayed down, but yes I still got them. The next 4 days were boring while lying down (which was most of the time) and painful when standing because the spinal headache would set in after being up more than about 5-10 mins. Day 3 was the worst - very painful headaches on the right side of my head or in the back of my skull. But day 5 was very nice,  nearly back to 100% except a slightly sore lower back...

Neurologist

Went to the neurologist today (12/9/11) because the MRI done after my sudden hearing loss showed a few abnormal spots. Turns out those spots could be related to smoking or drug use but since I don't have that excuse then the next connection is MS. Now, I don't have MS because there are not enough spots but it does make them wonder so I am going in for a lumbar puncture (a.k.a spinal tap) and blood draw on the 22nd to see if there is a certain marker in my spinal fluid. If so, that still doesn't mean I have MS but it means I am a candidate and we should do something about it. If I don't have the marker then they will do another MRI in a year and see if anything has changed (hopefully nothing will have). If I do have the marker then I will start some medicine (which I hear is not cheap) to keep from ever developing MS. The stats are: 80% of the folks who have the marker and do nothing develop MS - 80% of the folks who have the marker but go on this medicine do not develop MS. So the decision is pretty clear on what to do if I have the marker. Let's hope I don't.

Got the results back yesterday (12/28/12) and I don't have the MS marker, so good news.

Cozumel

This month Shanna and I were able to go to Cozumel with Ron and Sharleen Mackay to celebrate Ron's 50th birthday. Ron is a big diver with almost 100 dives in his log (he is the one that got me into SCUBA). We were there for 5 days (4 nights) and stayed at the Allegro resort. It is an all inclusive place right on the water. The bungalows and pools and beach were fantastic. The water and weather was amazing - 80 degree water, 78 degree days, crystal clear turquoise water and drift diving. Ron did 9 dives in 2 days, I did 8 including 1 night dive that was really cool. Ron's brother Bret and his wife Jeanie came as well. Bret has about 30 dives to his name. I previously had 8 but now I have 16! The food was on a scale of 1 to 10 probably about a 4, maybe a 5 so not super, but hey if you want fine dining I don't think you go to Mexico. We did go into town on the last day and got some good food there - I also found some amazing skull sculptures that I loved and really should have bought but Shanna wasn't a fan so I left them there. If I ever see them again I will get them for sure. They were only 11 bucks and you know I could have negotiated them down maybe as much as half that. Anyway, the diving was great. Took my GoPro video camera and recorded all but 1 dive. I am still editing the video and it didn't turn out as good as I was hoping. The picture is very clear but down 60-100 feet there is just very little red and yellow left to give great color to the video so it is quite blue most of the time. But it will make for a good memory video anyway. I saw a few sharks (reef and sand) saw some rays and a small turtle and one very large turtle (probably 6 feet long shell). There were lots of fish of all types, some huge Groupers, lots of Barracuda, many crab and lobster (one family of 5 or 6 lobsters under a corral ledge that were each huge!) Took numerous swim-throughs in the coral - I like those a lot! Some where quite long and kinda made you feel like you were cave diving. It was a phenomenal trip - the best part was being there with Shanna.

The whole gang at the airport after we landed waiting to go through customs. From left - Shanna, Bret, Jeanie, Sharleen, and Captain Ron

This was 1 of 3 pools, this was the relaxation pool (1 other was the activity pool geared for kids and families) it never got much more busy than this :)

Our room

This is the other general use pool

The hot tub and the ocean.

Where the ladies stayed while the guys went diving.

Dive 1 of the second dive day.

The dock from which we left for our dives, the dives were all really close but the boat was one of the slowest things in the ocean.

Dive vid 1

Dive vid 2

Dive vid 3

the upside to travel

oh yeah, and we have again cashed in a bunch of my frequent travel points and are taking the family to Disneyland (everything covered but the park passes) - and my brothers family is going as well, and my mom - so we got that going for us 8) we love Disney!

learning...

I am really enjoying learning how to play my guitar. I have learned about seven chords and only one song so far and while I don't switch between cords very cleanly, or play my song real well yet, I am really enjoying my simple ability to pull pleasant sounds out of this instrument. Imagine how I will sounds a few years from now! I only get to practice on the weekends because I travel so often. I get an hour or two in a day, and expect that to increase as my fingertips get tougher. I wish I could take it with me and sit in my hotel room and practice into the night - I technically I suppose I could but I don't like to check luggage and I already have two carry-ons - AND I think I would worry like crazy leaving my guitar in the hotel room all day while I am at the office. However, I have even started thinking about a way around that - I could simply request no maid service and in theory that would keep folks out of my room during the day right? Seems logical. So maybe I will travel with it one of these days but for now, no. I really love the minor chords, E minor, A minor, the speak to me more than the major chords do. I am taking lessons from a few online sites that I have found and I am pleased with how that is going. At some point I suspect I will need more, but not right now. I really love music and often wonder why I didn't pursue a profession that kept it closer to me - not being an artist necessarily, I don't suspect I have that in me, but anything in the music business perhaps. But, I suppose those are just bygones.

Everything happens for a reason

People use this phrase all the time and it often bugs me. Of course everything happens for a reason, it's called cause and effect. The implication is that all reasons have divine significance or origin however is a stone's through too far for me. Yes, everything happens for a reason, but often, many of those reasons suck! Like the reason I bit my tongue months ago eating my breakfast cereal, or the reason I tripped going up the stairs carrying laundry, or the reason I sneezed and I lost half the hearing in my right ear to be replaced by a high pitched ringing. I attribute these not to some controlled nuance in the grand plan of providence but rather to the nature of this fallen and imperfect and still amazing world we now inhabit. Now, before you think me godless - I have been pleading with the God of heaven to grant me one of his tender mercies and heal my ear. I know that he has the power to do so. If he grants me this desire then I will again rejoice in his greatness, if however he sees fit not to then I trust in his wisdom and then will know that the reason has become worthy and continue to rejoice in his greatness. Rotten things happen in this life, and when we plead with him for intervention the decision is his and his wisdom is perfect. It is not for me to understand all things as God does, not yet...

Sudden hearing loss

Yesterday I was sitting in a perfectly normal business meeting explaining the vision of the reporting solution when I sneezed. Prior to the sneeze I felt perfectly fine, was on the tail end of a very normal 3-4 day cold, but I was feeling good, and hearing excellent. I heard a little pop in my right ear when I sneezed, no more significant than you hear when your ears pop going up or down the mountain road, but instantly after the pop and sneeze there was a very loud high pitched ringing in my right ear and I could hear almost nothing using my right ear. I was very surprised and over the next few hours got very dizzy and somewhat nauseous. I am working in Dallas (home is Denver) so I started calling ENT's to get an appointment which was tough but got an apt for this morning which I just got back from. The otologist said he could detect nothing wrong (no fluid, or wax, or swelling, or stuff like that) which I knew was a bad sign (I figured it meant that it was something tiny and sophisticated deep inside the ear that he couldn't see or get to) and he diagnosed me with "sudden hearing loss." Great, that confirms that they have no idea why this happened. It's like going to a back surgeon with chronic back pain and he diagnoses you with "back hurts a lot" - a real confidence builder. So the plan is to pump me full of antibiotics, antiviral meds, steroids, and hope that whatever is happening can be stopped and corrected. Wish me and the meds luck... oh, he also suggested I follow up with a local ENT (I have an apt for that tomorrow) and that he will probably want to do an MRI. Good times!

My first guitar

Something I have always wanted to do is learn the guitar and I finally got tired of waiting. I bought my first guitar last night off craigslist. It's a Martin D-16GT Acoustic. I got it for $750 which is a pretty good deal (they go for about $1100 new). The guy was an electric player that thought he wanted to get into acoustic and bought it and it just sat there for a few years, virtually unplayed. It's in mint condition with no signs of drying or wear. Lucky me. I know I didn't really 'need' a guitar this nice but with my gadget budget from work I have to buy something so it's a good excuse to get something that I will be happy with for a long time. It was a big decision I played by bro-in-laws Martin DX a bit, played with many models at Guitar Center comparing dreadnoughts to OM models, Martin's to Seagull's and Taylor's and others... I am pretty excited about my new axe and already have very sore fingers on my left hand but I can't wait to get back to it. It's going to make me sad when traveling that I can't practice - I could take it on the road with me, which I am thinking about, but leaving it in the room when I am at the office doesn't sit well with me, so we will see.

Crushed it, but...

I was at bat, and the ball came in fast; the connection was solid, and I crushed it... but the field was deep and the air was thick and as the shot ripped the sky the crowed was with me. Oh, but that fieldsman ran long and he held his glove high. I hit my stride around second and the prize was in view out the corner of my eye, and as the final length stretched out before me, the fan's force at my back carried me onward. Within a few feet, the cheering fell to a hush and I knew what had happened somewhere behind me, in a place I could not touch. The fieldsman stood satisfied with a thick stubborn palm made of leather and stitch, and in it rest the ball I had hit.

20th

I attended my 20th High School reunion this weekend. I was pretty skeptical about what the experience would be. On Friday night there was a BBQ at the park and on Saturday night a more formal dinner in downtown Boise at a place called the Rose Room. Upon arrival both evenings there was the first 5-10 minutes of looking around thinking, 'hmm, alright, what next?' But before long some folks arrived that I really did have bonds with and wanted to sit and talk to and catch up on old times and new times. Jason Caufield, Kyan Newman, Dan Cannon, Bob Berryman, Shannon Rackham (Hayes), Becka Spenser, Becki McCombs, Janice Lee, and others too. Both nights turned into a very enjoyable evening. It's easy at times to find myself torn between the magnificence that life is and the wondering curiosity of life that might have been. To look into the future and at the same time see glowing potential and dreadful possibilities. Someday's a restful soul drifts down upon me naturally and on other days rest is unobtainable as my mind races and my heart follows being tugged from uncertainty to uncertainty. I wish, and sometimes that's scary.

Harmonics of Past, Present, Future and Dark Matter & Energy

I have another idea for another book (yeah I know, I need to finish the ones I already have... workin' on that). Here is some background about the setting.

http://ray.tomes.biz/maths.html
and
http://science1.nasa.gov/astrophysics/focus-areas/what-is-dark-energy/

Econ - Keynes VS Hayek

I love these videos, and if you don't know what this is about YOU SHOULD, and here is how - start listening to the podcast of EconTalk

i just don't know how to be a good parent, the solution completely escapes me; i am in waters for which i am unprepared, fighting a current i cannot see nor predict; and i feel that my whole being hinges on the outcome of this encounter - and yet - i am so ill equipt. every time i talk to him it is measured in degrees of failure, my failure. the god above has made a grave error in trusting me in this task.

It's 2:44AM at the Oklahoma City airport - what do you do?

1. Find a power outlet for your nearly dead laptop and phone
2. Get onto the wifi hotspot
3. Find your best flight option to get you home.
4. Email co-workers to let them know you will be useless tomorrow - I mean today 8( 
5. Change into your most comfortable clothes
6. Listen to a grouchy lady next to you complain about the obvious
7. Search your bag for food - unsuccessfully
8. Blink a lot because your contacts are getting dry
9. Try to pass time on Facebook
10. Make a blog post
11. Wait... I suppose... this blows...

Getting good info...

It's been a while since I posted. Just been busy. So I thought I would share (at the risk of being redundant) the podcasts or other sources that I find very informative. I have pretty much given up completely on television for getting valuable information. The 5 min intervals of repetitive and shallow bias banter you get from TV is worthless or even worse. The world is complex and it requires longer and more thoughtful discussions to understand it and formulate reasonable opinions. Here are some sources I believe are worth considering (note: that does not mean I agree with everything that is said in them):

• http://econtalk.org/
• http://www.dancarlin.com/disp.php/hharchive
• http://www.realclearpolitics.com/authors/george_will/
• http://www.realclearpolitics.com/authors/charles_krauthammer/
• http://www.dennisprager.com/columns.aspx
• http://wiki.fool.com/Motley_Fool_Money_Radio_Show?source=ihpftrlnk0000001
• http://www.cafehayek.com/
• http://www.writingexcuses.com/ (if you want to write a book :)

If you can only devote the time to one, give EconTalk a shot first, if you really want to learn how the world works or why it works the way it does - start there.

duplicity

i have a real problem with people who are duplicitous; saying different things about the same subject depending on the company; i suppose it's human nature and suspecting my own frailties i doubt i am perfect in any area including this one but at the same time i do not feel that this is a particularly major issue for me; i suppose this is why i would likely never make it in politics, i can't bring myself to believe 'versions of the truth' or equally bad, lie. now i have lied in my life especially in my youth but i think it is rare now as an adult - i just don't think its worth it, i see it as creating more work for me and i don't have the brain power to remember multiple versions of reality - the one is enough. i trust people pretty easily initially but if i observe duplicity in you, we still can hang out, maybe, but trust you will not have - when i see it, it doesn't make me mad, it makes me sad that some people discard the eternal (relationships) for whatever temporal pursuit which has them preoccupied, sad...

there and back again... a babbitt's tale

been traveling a lot these days; honestly i am not totally sure how i feel about it; Dallas, LA, Dallas, more LA, NYC, Phoenix, Dallas, Toronto, and next week Dallas again; i feel a bit numb - it's one of those, do what ya gotta do type of things - or as i put it to a friend, at least i am not a member of the Donner Party, i.e. it could be worse, lots worse :)

38

Another year. I know to some this number is quite modest, and to others may be daunting, and to me it just is. But it has brought me to once again ponder the great questions of life, and the handful of answers I have found, answers that from time to time need re-examining. I have always been a believer in new beginnings, in the next sunrise, the advent of another year. This year I felt some fatigue; and wondered. Was there really a point in fighting the same battles; taking ground only to lose it, and retake it again? In the final summation what would be gained? It's a tragic and beautiful thing this life is; so massively misunderstood. But even in the midst of that I can't help but feel it is rarely misused. Life. A four letter word to be sure, but a word that binds us all.

Over recent days I was blessed to sit and listen to a man of God who sees better than I do, and be grateful that in the listening I could hear. For a few hours he reminded me of answers I had, and gave me answers I didn't know I sought. Answers about the power of God to redeem and his willingness to do so. Answers about drawing distinctions among the burdens I carry; about the difference between sin and adversity and that the weight of the two is not the same. My sins I must own, but the adversity I can leave at the door, His door.

There are a great many men that do better than I, but that is not the yardstick by which I will be measured. I have lost so much time in fearing a future that may be no better than my past. I have lumber under the weight of the best that is never done. I have hid ashamed and shrinking in the shadows that have gone before me. There must be a way to let it go. Let it fall from me like the unwanted serpent's skin that it is. And there is...

I seek Him, and that is enough; I must allow myself to take refuge in that.

searing the soul

when in the reflective glass i gaze,
and see the man that's less than he,
a waste of sorrid sunny days,
i am bemused by what will not be;

the nots make knots in barren soul,
and bury me while living,
gaps abound, i am not whole,
and the arson self set is gruling.

a tiny cup of moonlight

in the tin of morning,
grey crept quietly away;
the brisk release of earth,
into a brand new day;
i captured a bit of moonlight,
in a tiny cup of clay;

under the ultraviolet,
i tucked it under wing;
to cool my heated soul,
it sent my mind to dream;
i'll think of her forever,
a private lovers scene;

Sick Snowboarding

I am so tired of being sick. I got this nasty cold/sough thing before Christmas and it is still with me. Terrible! I will probably have to go back to the doc and ask for something more powerful than the zpac antibiotic they game me last time.

On a happier note, I took Brayden and Kennedi to Copper Mtn yesterday. Brayden is getting better on the snowboard and was off doing his thing most of the day while I taught Kennedi because due to traffic on I-70 we were a hour late and missed her class. (We left Highlands Ranch at 7:20 and got to Copper at 10:15, that's bad.) But the day turned out very well and we had a great time, I think I set myself back on the health front, I feel like I have been hit by a truck today, but I think it was worth it for the kids, they had a fantastic time. (My back is super sore today too, it sucks getting older - and I am only 37!!!)

I will post links to a few YouTube videos once I get them uploaded.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rckL6IY5qSU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AuUWvhAgcs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwcN4WgWiZQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xL1MWpHbz8

A Shady Horse

The man in the cowboy hat, worn and beaten, placed his empty glass on the mahogany bar now peeling and weathered. Whiskey soaked into his lips as he turned to the young lady who had been pestering him with questions only the ignorant would ask. "You see filly," he said looking at her breasts, "I tried to secure a future that required a forfeiter of my past." There was no sorrow in his voice, only stoic observation. She thought he complimented her by calling her filly, admiring her youth and spirit, and she looked at him in wonderment not knowing. He took the refilled shot and pressed it to his lips and siphoned the poison through his teeth. She was repulsed a little, but smiled. This time he looked in her eyes, "I am no cowboy, and the caricature I was has been chased out by an amorous you couldn't begin to understand," she glanced up at the Stetson that sat on his head. "And this hat? Well, that was a gift from the devil."